Breakthrough....maybe

I love the show The Biggest Loser and now I also love Losing It with Jillian Michaels. I love seeing the transformations. I love seeing people take control of their lives. I love seeing how happy they are. I cry every single time :-)
But I always hear the same thing, "There's a deeper reason."
What does that mean??? Oprah, Jillian and Bob, you name it, they say it. THERE'S A DEEPER REASON!!!
So I used to sit on the couch and say to myself, there is no deeper reason. I'm overweight because I choose to sit on this couch, eat poorly, and not change my habits. Done. End of story. I'm not blaming anyone else. I'm taking responsibility. Pat on the back for me...fatty, I would chide myself in my head.
But I guess if you hear something often enough you start to question yourself: is there a deeper reason? No, no, it's my bad choices, they come from laziness, done. THERE'S A DEEPER REASON! Well, maybe...no, no, no, nothing deep here. Keep on movin'. THERE'S A DEEPER REASON!! Okay, I'm questioning Oprah, but I can't find anything. I'm digging, but all I see is this lazy person who won't do anything to change, and frankly, I don't want to look at her all that closely because she's not inspiring and she's still sitting on the damn couch eating ice cream. So you can take your deeper crap and shove it! THERE'S A DEEPER REASON!!! Wow. Okay I hear you. Maybe if I can identify it, I can start to make changes. Maybe....but I always fail. WHAT? WHAT WAS THAT STEPHANIE? I always fail. WHAT?!?!?!? I ALWAYS FAIL! Ah. I see.
Every time I lose weight, I gain it back, and then some. Every time I go to write, I find something else to do. There are always excuses. But there's a deeper reason :-)
No matter how hard I work, my idea of a fabulous body is Shakira and I'll NEVER get there. So what's the point??? HUH JILLIAN? I can't afford a personal trainer and nutritionist and I don't have time to to work out 2 hours a day, six days a week! Jillian whispers to me: you know that's not it Stephanie. You can make better choices, you can work out everyday, and you know how to work out. You have to believe in you or no one else will. You have to know that you CAN achieve that goal if you really want it. Do you want it? Otherwise, stop beating yourself up about it.
Well, let's be realistic. Jillian would yell at me that I would reach that goal :-) But the point is, why not reach for the stars? Why not reach for size 6? Why not reach for publication? I deserve it, if I work hard for it and I want it bad enough. I need to stop being afraid of failure and start living. I need to stop fearing the people I might encounter in my master's courses, who have bachelors in English that I don't have. So what? If they have a love for writing, they probably struggle just like I do and they might really want to help me or have an appreciation for what I do or, at the very least, take no notice of me whatsoever. They have better things to do than laugh at me or worry about my writing. So stop being afraid!
But the voice is still there. The doubt. What if you give up? What if you lose your motivation? What if you fail?

We don't change overnight. Life is a journey and right now I'm on a precarious trek that could fall to either side, but if it falls on the side of success? What if I succeed? I think it might be time to put a sticky note on the bathroom mirror!

What if you succeed?

*Aunt Mimi. You inspire me with your eloquence and your love for the arts; for your bravery in choices you've made in your life and things you've lived through :-) I love you and I love that you believe in me. Thank you.*